Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
You may not be able to see me
but always know I am listening
You may not be able to touch me
but always know that I am here

I may not feel your warmth
still you surround me
I might hear not your voice
but I know you’re calling

Sometimes it’s hard for me
to know you’re feeling
words can say so many things
their true meanings can become obscured

But when you speak to me
I understand
sometimes I believe your heart
is beating in my chest

So close yet distant
Our hearts connect
Without hesitation
or regret

A fleeting cry
a holding hand
empty heart
full of love

A moment together
Two stars align
High above
Two become one

You are my fairy
I reach up to you
and you pull me to the sky
where I am with you

Behind the moon
A shadow in the sky
A lone star shines down on me
keeping safe, making me smile

You don’t leave
you stay where you are
and that makes me afraid
to be close to you

Where I am
Too far
Too far
Too close
Too scared

To hold you
so near
to me
is only a cruel dream

Buzz, that’s it
The sole sound
that alerts me
Of your presence

I roll over
I wake up
in the night



I’m an mountain
yet permanent and always there

So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
and runs down your face
mixing with our tears



Someone else
Not quite real
weighing down my mind
There’s someone on yours too

You’re in mine
pushing me up
I need you closer
but you stay back

I’m… broken…
Not quite… whole…
Not okay

my love
are you

A symphony plays without an audience
a heart beats without a pulse

I hold you in my hands
and speak to you

Speak to her
A conversation between the two of us
Add a Comment:
* I’m a mountain

XD Other than that, this is without grammatical flaw (that I can see, anyway).

I guess I'll start by saying that I appreciate how long this poem is. I have a fondness for longer poems. I don't know why, but I do! :)

It was well-written and the tempo and rhythm changes made it interesting to read. I can relate to this poem a lot, btw. Wow, this critique is turning out silly. Okay. Here are some problems I ran into. I'm not sure if you did some of these things on purpose and I'm misreading, or if they are just mistakes:

"I might hear not your voice"
I'm not sure if you were going for a classic poetry type thingy there, but, to me, it was distracting. I think keeping it like the rest of the lines before it would fit better (just my opinion). Like:
"I might not hear your voice"
I also noticed you were using the word 'may' at first, then changed it to 'might'. I don't have any opinion on that. Just thought I'd point it out, encase it was an unconscious change. xD I do stuff like that a lot.

"to know you're feeling"
Do you mean 'to know HOW you're feeling'? Or to know that that person has feelings? That's one I wasn't sure if you missed a word by mistake, or it was intentional. Thought I'd point that one out too. xDD

"keeping safe,"
Is that also missing a word in-between, or intentional?

"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
and runs down your face
mixing with our tears"
I think this is my favorite stanza in the whole poem, except I'm not sure how to picture it, because of the wording. This is my question, is the blood mixing with the tears? Or the hands? I assume the blood. But I could be wrong. The way it's worded is a little confusing. Maybe you could try something like this:
"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
My blood running down your face
and mixing with our tears"
"So I try to dig you out
until my hands bleed
And it runs down your face
mixing with our tears"

Also I don't understand how the blood is mixing with both yours and the other person's tears? Maybe I'm not getting the whole picture. If I look at it more figuratively, I can see what it means, actually. But I also wonder if you meant 'your'?
Anyway, I just really love that stanza, despite it's wording. :)

Those are my little nit-picks. I would say that in the future when writing poems, make sure to read each line to make sure the point is crystal clear and can't be misunderstood or confused. Also, keep up with the figurative language and description. That's the most important part of a poem, imo. :) Good job on this! You have a lot of potential as a writer. Keep it up.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

Little-Lady-Mo Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Just wanted to let you know I put this up (since I forgot I hadn't yet). It's on my other account: [link] . So don't worry, it's just me who re-posted this.
visual-kei-is-life Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Would you mind if I posted this on my account as well?
malcomblack Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
it's fine for you to post and it really hurt my heart because I thought you had abandoned me
visual-kei-is-life Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I sorry, I didn't know what to do since my phone stopped working.
malcomblack Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well I miss you
visual-kei-is-life Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry.
malcomblack Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
are you getting a new one?
visual-kei-is-life Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Phone? Not for a couple months.
malcomblack Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm going to die
(1 Reply)
Add a Comment:

:iconmalcomblack: More from malcomblack

More from DeviantArt


Submitted on
January 17, 2013
File Size
2.5 KB


109 (1 today)
1 (who?)